Words of Wisdom from Calvin

"Life is like topography, Hobbes.

There are summits of happiness and success...

Flat stretches of boring routine...

And valleys of frustration and failure."

-Calvin

(calvin and hobbes)

Ad vitam (For life)

I remember when I was in highschool, I always list down dreams and goals... things I want to achieve... I went through those years planning my life as if I have a total control of it... But as I grow old, little by little you get to understand that life is not really your own. And despite careful planning and determination, there will always be potholes along the way and dead end signs and even freaky pauses that make you wonder if life will get worst than it already is...

By next year, I'll be leaving the world of the 20s... By this time, based on my plans I would have achieved my Ph.D, have a high paying but socially responsible job, a business of my own, and a car... and yes I even thought of getting married once I hit 30. So now as 2009 is just around the corner, waiting to jump on me... I get to think that I have missed so much on my targets. There are times I feel like a failure... I look at myself and ask "What have you done dude?"

But life has not been that bad for me... I've travelled (something that I love to do and I feel blessed), I have my family, a nice "developing" family home, nearing to my degree, great friends, a life insurance (whew), and a bestfriend, boog. And I still have my dreams and I know that in God's own time, I will be able to achieve all of it...

So you may ask, what's the purpose of this blog entry anyway? Out of boredom? probably... but I'm just thinking aloud. I may not have my dream job nor do I have my dream savings but I can say that I have lived the past 29 years or so with a happy heart and yes despite the numerous frustrations, tears, problems and headaches... Life is still good to me.

What's in store for me next year? I have no idea. I somehow stopped planning and listing things down. But I never stopped creating new dreams and hoping for better days... I know that as I aged I also matured a lot... I find myself different now than I was 15 years ago. I can say I am a much better person (less tantrums I swear!)and I have my learning failures, my sweet achievements and the people in my life to thank for all of these... Nobody said that life will always be sweet and all sunshine; there will be thunder storms and rough paths but the journey and the will to move forward makes a lot of difference...

I promise to be more optimistic next year and to try to look into the goodness of others and in everything that comes my way, be it my work, my studies or even with people I meet. I have been engulfed by my self built wall, covered in dark dreary clouds... Now I am seeing rays of light along my path and I know that my happiness lies not in other peoples hands but in my own.

I am going to live! (with fingers crossed)

But this is all for 2009. hehehe

"I Like DEAD END signs... I think they're kind...

They atleast have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere..."

- Bugs Bunny

... I need a sign right now... it does not have to be a dead end sign...

a no U-Turn would be very much welcomed...

BLUEs and greens...

Last Sunday (9/21/08) we watched the UAAP Best of Three Game (ADMU vs. DLSU) with Emman a.k.a Dude (thanks for the GA ticket, I owe you one) and of course with my UAAP buddy and seat-saver (hehe) Balbie. It was a long wait and the commute was a bit hellish but it was all worth it because ADMU won the game. ADMU was awesome! I mean the way they played almost made everybody jump for joy and of course for those at the other side it was like hell (no wonder they said it's already flooded along Taft~ I am just quoting from others, hehehe woohoo!). But to summarize the 2-hr game, it was one of the best games I ever saw. Yes, I know I am not from ADMU but you know I came to love how the team plays. The spirit and passion of the ADMU students are really amazing. In every game, you can't help but get swept away by their cheers, the cool band playing, the over flowing shades of blue worn by everybody... Saludo talaga... I can't wait for Thursday, game 2 na! (Pero kahit tuyot daw sa Diliman, Go Maroons!)

With all the cheering and the exciting wait for the next game, I am craving for the all new San Miguel Premium Malt Beer. Ah, yes... Iced cold... in a green bottle. hehehe... Anything green is suppose to be good right? ;-) It's made of 100% malt and contains only 5% alcohol. It's suppose to be better than San Miguel Pale Pilsen and smoother than the San Miguel Light. I have not tried it yet and I'm now craving for one... To make it more frustrating only a few bars and resto are serving this beer. Butter Diner at Araneta Cubao is serving this beer (P90.00 per bottle) but since it was only 12nn plus my mother was with us, my brother, sister and I decided to hold our craving, get ourselves together and try to look for a grocery store that sells this beer, but no we did not find any. (Dear Sir Danding, can we please have a case of this new beer? We promise we will share... XOXO ~) I know I also stopped drinking (more than 6 bottles, like I promised) but hey I am cheering for the blue eagles with a green bottle in my hand, what can possibly be more exciting than that? Well uhmmm I can think of other things (~hehe) but right now pass me that bottle please...

To die a little more each day

I bet my title caught your attention... pfft...

It's just one of those days when life really makes you want to say "Stop, I want to get off!"

Random thoughts:

• why are there some women (and men for that matter) who have the guts to covet some other people's partners? I tell you, people who have the nerve to ruin other people's relationship or families should be buried alive. Everybody is indeed entitled to their own happiness but not to the expense of others. How pathetic can these sort of people be?
• and it is more pathetic for those who are already in a relationship (and a good one at that) and still have flings and affairs on the side and still have the guts to lie to their partners and pretend that they did not commit anything wrong... Come on, if you want to start flirting with other people please do so as a single person, start with a clean slate, end your current relationship first... save the other person from getting hurt because of your own doing...
• there are people who would usually try to tell you what to do but they don't practice whatever it is they say. Practice what you preach, if you can't do that, then don't drown others with your words of so-called wisdom. We already get that a lot from professors, politicians and even from merchant and a lot more...
• so when do we accept something as truth or real when at the back of our minds we are in doubt? Rollo May said that "The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt." And at the back of that "in spite of doubt" is a bleeding or a tormented spirit unable to free itself because of its doubts.
• why is it that there are days when everythings seems to be going pretty well, then something will just happen that will ruin everything. Old-timers will tell you not to take notice of it, but how could you when it left you a little bit angry, a little bit pissed off and a little bit bitchy...
• being bitchy is not a sin nor is it wrong if used for the right reason.
• society has never stopped dictating what we should be or what we can not do... but to take it all in and still live your life that way you want to (without doing wrong to others) makes one successful...
• we are constantly surrounded by different people who pretend to be someone else, to see through their mask is a skill we need to develop to survive being stabbed at the back... but in front where we can see it being done to us.
• do not tolerate any wrong doings and being ignorant about it is not an excuse

We all die a little each day but there are rays of sunshine that brings back life.
It's a never ending thing... we die, we live, we cry, we laugh, but still we breathe...

now I am confuse... anyway these are just random thoughts on a day like any other day when you wish you can hit this person (you don't even know) but who totally ruined your day...

When in doubt, Pray!

Sometimes, we tend to worry about a lot of things which for some people are something that they do not even worry about. I for one, I am a worry-freak. I worry about everything and anything under the sun or even beyond it.

Last night I went out with two of my close friends. It was great being able to just relax and let go of all my worries. They wanted to talk but I didn't. But San Miguel Light partnered with bbq just did it for me. My tounge went gaga and I started sharing my thoughts about life, career, family, pesky public transportation drivers, and matters of the soul. Funny how after just a few months, these friends of mine declared that I have changed a lot. I have become more matured. Indeed I feel older (due to some wrinkles, I wish for some age miracle) but wiser. After a while, walking around my favorite place, I saw my moon, in all its splendor looking down at me... And suddenly it just hit me, that despite my worries, my troubles and doubts, everything is going to be alright.

Starting on new things and ending old ones have definitely taken its toll on me. The stress of starting a new career and having more responsiblity and accountability (plus working way beyond my 5:01 pm time)... And then not having real friends around, unlike before when you send a text message to one you get to receive more from your other friends... and also the weakness my soul is going through... And yet it seems that after so many weeks of being like this, all I needed was just to be with good trusted friends, a bottle of San Mig light, bbq galore and my moon to tell me that things will work out just fine.

Some things are clearer after waking up from a long night of angst sharing and walking under the moonlit sky... I am not longer afraid. Some things may end but new things will begin especially if is time. I remembered a passage in the Bible that said that there is a time for everting. I may not fully grasp the reason behind life's mysteries but I just have to trust in the Divine; that I'm in good hands. Still I no longer hope nor do I start listing again expectations, I just pray for strength and so when in doubt, Pray!

Grasping for air

When all else has been said and done, where do the pain ends and the numbness begins?

Sometimes we desperately hold on to something that we truly believed in but there are times when it seems you're holding on to nothing. The harder you try the more complicated it becomes and the less you care the more painful it gets. And hope... well it used to be part of your system but hope and hoping no longer count.

Even if you want to be yourself and true to your soul's desires there is no escaping the fact that the real you will not make it through... the real you would have turned her back away... the real you would have said "I deserve better"... and the real you would never allow herself to get hurt... But then again...

This is the real world... The real you will just have to cope and mitigate whatever effects it has on your soul. You can not survive insisting that the world adjust to "you" because it does not work that way. Either you let go of your expectations and standards and even wishful thinkings and face everything, praying for strength or you can always do what you usually do, you walk away...

But is that an option? Of course, but the price you pay will be quite high. You will pay it with tears, sleepless nights and stabbing pains when memories come to mind. Knowing you, it will take a long time for you to move on. You know how hard it is for you to let go of things more so forget the memories. It is a curse for you, because you have too much memories, you placed too much meanings on things, assign songs to certain events, name events, mark dates and a lot more... It is your fault, you let yourself be vulnerable, love or relationships was never meant for those weak in spirit... so tell me how will you do it when you do not have the strength to hold on anymore?

Right now, you still have enough strength to hold on. Giving up is not an option for now. The way I see it, there are two ways to go... one, you hold on and try to make it work out, thresh it out if you must but try your best so that when it do ends atleast you will find comfort in knowing that you gave it your best shot... two, well let go now and forever ask yourself "what if" the only comforting thing about this is that you won't have to suffer anymore.

The ball is in your court now... You decide... At the end of the day, it is still your life, whatever decisions you make you have no one to blame but yourself... Look at the brighter side, atleast you are learning to be more human even if it entails so much but you were never the type to give up on a challenge...

matters of the soul

Been in front of my PC for some time now, typing words then erasing them... not knowing how to put into words the confusion and struggle of my soul... So here it goes... I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I am at a lost not just for words but options and opinions and other things... You name it... I always believed that I am the kind of person that can weather any storm, the captain of my ship that is sailing towards my dreams... And yet now I am lost. I have no words to say no clear cut explanations to analyze my concerns... Yes, you are right, its about matters of the heart. No let me correct that, I think a heart is an organ, so let me change the romantic perception of the heart into soul. It is a matter that involves my soul...

I hate myself for being like this, weak and all teary-eyed like the world is ending or something to that effect. My life is not my own since 15 months ago. I decided to change, literally destroy the hard wall I built around me for so long. It was the best moved I made because I feel I have matured and have learned to get in touch with my own soul and those of others. I found out that I am an ordinary human being that can get hurt by another person. I am no wonder woman, and indeed sticks and stones can hurt but so does words spoken in a heated argument uttered by the person you shared your soul to.

The words commitment, faith and togetherness swarms around my head. Do I do what is practical or do I follow the cries of my soul... I am lost. I have got to get myself together before it is too late.

But I don't know where to begin...

Of poltics, population and personal views

It's been a while since I last posted views on my blog. But since its not pretty toxic at work I decided to spend some time putting into words my thoughts about certain issues around me. Lately, we've been bombarded with different views and even condemnation from influential institutions in our country. Yup, the issue is on Responsible Parenthood and the use of contraceptions.

On one side, we have several lawmakers pushing for this new bill into law. On the other side we have the Catholic Church which is basically against the use of contraceptives. And we have a president or an administration who tries not to rock the boat so to speak.

Poverty is the main issue at hand. Numerous poor couples or even single women have 4 to 7 children without a permanent home nor a permanent job; access to proper health education and the right to choose whether women (and men) will use (or not) contraceptives or any other form of protection; and the big issue of abortion.

I'm not going to list down all arguments being thrown by both sides. But let me share some personal views on this matter... I am not going to say that one side is wrong and the other is right because both sides have points that make sense. The government is tasked to provide for the needs of the people particularly basic services (e.g. health, education). We know for a fact that the government has several plans both short term and long term. It is also a fact that most of these plans remain as plans. I'm not going to start pinpointing to any agency or department because personally I think all of them are to be blamed. But these agencies under the government and almost every office under the government will have to follow one leader and that is the president. The passing into law of this new bill on responsible parenthood will only be as good as those already been formulated if the topmost leader will not support it. But I also wish that government officials assigned on this matter will do their job by pursuing advocacy work and campaigning for greater understanding on this issue.

The Church as we all know, is totally against the passing of this bill. I am also against abortion. However, the use of contraceptives be it pills or condoms does not equate to abortion. Contraceptives actually prevent the woman from getting pregnant or for the man from getting (or spreading) STD (or even HIV AIDS). So does it mean that using anything that prevents the creation of life (or protects the person from diseases) is considered an act of abortion? In this case I really beg to disagree since "no life" have been created to begin with.

I understand the fears of the church that this will only promote the act of "sex" to people... but the truth is, this is what is happening now. We can not turn a blind eye to the fact that people and not just married couples (even gays) engage in such acts. Indeed homilies and teachings will help clarify things but to certain people only. What do we do with those who think differently? To actually tell these couples (or people in general) to abstain or control their urges is just wishful thinking.

So where do we go from here. I say, pass the bill into law. for the president to actually allow government officials (especially LGUs) and responsible department and agencies to do their job without being reprimanded (and without corrupting the money alloted for this). For the government to understand that "accessibility" and "education" will go along way to create better impact. For the church to allow the law to be implemented but continue their advocacy in promoting the sacredness of making love amongst married couples , for people to abstain or remain celibate and for responsible parenthood by ensuring quality life for their children and for themselves. For medical doctors, developmental workers and educators to arm people by educating them on this matter. And for people to be responsible enough to read and learn about the effects and or benefits of the use of contraceptives; for parents to plan their lives by birth spacing and saving for their children's future; and most of all for women to decide for themselves when to say "no" and learning their rights not just as women but as human beings (and respect the rights of others by not aborting their own flesh and blood and having affairs with married men/ vice versa too for men).

And the end of the day, each one of us is accountable to our own life. And as long as we are not trampling or violating the rights of others, we can decide for ourselves (responsibly). We also have to keep in mind that our actions will always have a consequence and what we do to others will come back to us tenfold.

Learn, Think, Act Responsibly.

Colo Colui Cultum meus Universitas

Rays of color splashed here and there
Of pastel hues and darker shades of red
Moving around in circles, in solitude

Blank space in between circles
Remains a mystery in a carousel like life
Leaving traces of empty spaces

A new shape in vivid shade of blue
Created sensations that has no name
Filling in the void long left ignored

Of varying colors and sounds of passion
Define the existence of these circles
Going now in straight lines, forward to providence

Ad Astra

the sky has turned a dreamy hue
of black, blue and gray
tiny lights dotted the backdrop
a spectacle to the sight

the moon creates an enigmatic scene
its light sings of solitude and serenity
the night, my night, has never failed me
brining with it mysteries yet to be unfolded

through the window watching the night evolve
the wind carrying prayers said in a whisper
longing for a sign that it has been heard
full of hope as hands clasps in plea

as the dawn comes to end this sojourn
songs of the night kept close to the soul
eyes slowly closing to the world of dreams
saying farewell to the night till the next

Angst

I have not been using my blog for such a long time now. But since my new work allows me to talk to only my computer the whole day I decided to write down my thoughts once again.

My office room overlooks the two famous avenues in Makati City where numerous rallies have been held. Lately my country has been going through a lot of dramas because of the whistle blowing of some people about the corruption happening in the government. It is so ironic and downright frustrating to watch or hear these people in government pinpointing at each other at who is most corrupt in the government and yet they do not even acknowledge their own corrupt practices. The Filipino people are not tired of going to rallies or fighting for truth but what held them back from joining these president resign rallies are those people calling for truth and reform when these people are as corrupt as the highest government official. Why not come out clean, confess to your corrupt practice before throwing hell to other people. The so-called ordinary Juan and Juana are being taken for a ride. These people are making fools of the Filipinos, playing with their hopes and dreams of a better country.

I have always believed that if you are not doing your part in making this a “better” country then better shut up or leave. Some people think that if they pay their taxes they can curse the day these government officials were born. However, ask these people if they are as clean as they think they are. A tip to a “buwayang” police for beating the red light, paying fixers to make your papers move faster than the person who has been in line for hours and other seemingly “ordinary” actions that Filipinos have engaged in and tolerated for the longest time.
So No, don’t tell me I have become complacent about my country; and no don’t try to convince me that GMA is more corrupt than Erap; and please don’t tell me that we deserve this kind of government because we voted for these people and given that we don’t have any options left but to put in place certain people like artists and former newscasters. (There was never a clean election to begin with… and people who really want to serve the country will not kill for a post in the government, they will just silently serve others like hundreds of people I know.)

I still hold dear my country but no longer the people. I am still proud that I am a Filipino but not proud of what my government or my fellow Filipinos have become. I believe that all of us are at fault why are country is like this (from a simple disposing of garbage to paying correct taxes; simple things we can not do right). I don’t think the real truth will come out after all these dramas because we failed to acknowledge that we are also at fault and greatly failed for acting or doing our part more than just talking. I know that we still have an option and that there is still hope that the Philippines will become a “better” country than what it is today but not in my lifetime. I know I am also at fault because I have tolerated wrongdoings, seeing no evil, hearing no evil and speaking of no evil… I have failed because I let my idealism that was once a burning fire turn to a mere flickering spark.

Corruption like poverty will always be with us, simply because we acknowledge there presence in our midst but we fail to act on them. Self-righteousness will get us nowhere. Its either we do something or die trying or we simple keep quite and not add up to the noise pollution. Unless we provide people better ways or options to uplift our country, the bickering and pinpointing are mere theatrical acts that no longer convince people.