Dear Inang Bayan,

"As a human being, I should spend my life in such a way that at the final hour I could feel fulfillment and contentment, as if I had completed a task or a journey." The Crazed, Ha Jin

After two weeks of solitude, locked inside my room, listening to the rain bashing my windows I thought I will find answers but what I found were more questions. At the end I was hit hard by reality, a truth I do not think I can handle right now. I am afraid that the reality and truth that were once my guiding light to the path of higher meaning were all false. I was made to believe that indeed we have the ability to decide our destiny and that we are captains of our own ships. I even thought that I can make a difference in a world so corrupt by malicious people. How wrong I was... People were already telling me how my idealism and the great expectations I have set for my country, for my fellowmen and for myself were all wishful thinking, that in real life it can not be as perfect as I hope it could be. I didn't want to believe them, I thought that if I start accepting this as the "truth"; that if I let go of my so called "wishful thinkings" then I will be like any ordinary Filipino; working for the sake of earning, no less than the financial gain that they will receive and the prestige of attaining more wealth and even power.

I didn't know that being passionate about serving my country and advocating for several issues that concern my fellowmen would put me in a difficult situation and even be laughed at because I fought for my beliefs. I molded my dreams and career path to my "wishful thinkings" and made this the source of my inspiration. I made the people that talk less but worked twice as hard in making this country a better place my source of strength but lately I found out that they were as false and as hypocrite as the people I loathe. How disgusting these realizations are especially coming from peole who are preaching and teaching "good governance." I detest these hypocrites who makes the cancer of this country worst than it is before. The worst kinds of people are those that pretend they are so righteous and incorruptible but in their hearts they're mere frauds, doing the right deed for the wrong reason.

There is a thin line between what is "real" from what we are made to think is "real."

I only wanted to serve my country the best way I can... I I just want a life well spent, that before I die I could have made a difference... But like I said, right now I can not handle the truth... I found peace at feeling empty... for now I'd rather feel this way than have my soul suffer more.

I hope Inang bayan that you can understand what I am trying hard to say but you see words are lost in this endeavour...