"Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." -"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." -Blaise Pascal Pensées
Modesty aside, I have always been good at giving advices especially when it comes to relationships and love. I always seem to have the answer for questions and dilemmas people are going through. There would even be times when people I do not know start sharing their problems about life to me. Do I look like an ear to you? But seriously, it amazes me how I can listen and give advices.
So now I can not understand why I can't seem to take into practice what I usually advice people to do when it comes to matters of the heart. Yes, despite my being insenstive and cynical about it I do have feelings also. Being the rational person that I am, I thought to myself, no problem can ever be resolved with the heart alone, use your brains to decide on things. And so I usually do. When it comes to relationships, I bluntly tell people what I feel... or think in this case. I know I may have hurt them but its the truth, deal with it. Tough? too harsh? maybe but that's me, I did it out of love (promise).
Ah yes love.... People think I'm an expert on this. They are so wrong. There have been a lot of opportunities that I could have had committed myself to someone. But sad to say I may be tough but when it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete coward. If I was brave enough to deal with my own feelings I would have been married by now with three kids. But no, hell no.... here I am always contemplating if I am ready or not... if he is the right person to settle with... will my children look like shrek if I marry him... those sort of things... What a dope right? I mean we have not even moved a step forward I am already thinking about the decades to come. I was always the one to say (on certain occassions and situations only) "You will never know until you try... you might regret it, like ask yourself "What if" 5 years from now... if you don't."
Right now I am in that situation where I can not decide. Is it because he does not meet the type of man I always pictured myself to end up with? I can see a lot of traits I do not like and same with the things I like about him, but to ask me to weigh it which is which, I can not. Do I like him? Sheesh I don't know; sometimes I do and sometimes I do not. Does he make you laugh? Whoa! that is a big issue for me, because he rarely does make me laugh because we always talk about serious matters. BUt it does let me discuss things I take seriously like government service, etc. Am I comfortable being with him, maybe, at times yes. Sigh... Questions again...
So now I realized I am too old to be immature about this. I need to face my fear. Yes pips I am freaking scared to face my feelings, afraid to make a commitment, and more or less afraid to get hurt. I never like being not in control of things... But hey I have got to do this, its now or never.
You know who inspired me? Its people I talked with. I remembered how much they loved and got hurt in the end. And yet they are still alive and continue to move on and try once again to love. Salute! I mean the kind of courage is inspiring. A poem I read once in highschool talked about scarred people being the most beautiful, because despite their hurts and pains they still love. I need to be like that or else I will never really know how to live!. You see if we never fully put into pratice these things we will never fully understand it, and when it remains only in theory then it is useless. Practice what you preach. To love is to live!!! Well of course love for the country, for the family and friends are totally different even for that someone special. But we need to experience it all. However, do remember (this is an advice I promise to keep) when you love, when you do something don't wait for something in return, don't hold back feelings and most of all love with passion (not the lust kind of love) but the kind of love that has trust, honesty, hope, respect, and faith.
And so with God on my side and peope I love backing me up, I know I can do this, face it head on and LOVE to fully LIVE!!!
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