success and loving it

Yesterday was a big day for us. Our project "Tracking Governance Reforms" under NEDA, conducted a Consultation with major stakeholders. After much preparation and a lot of stress we were able to accomplish tasks set with flying colors (nice work pips!!!) It was like such a great feeling to be able to hear people appreciate something which you so hope to be taken into by heart by the people. Mushy as it may sound but I almost wept because I was happy. And being the Angst person that I am, it was such a heady feeling for me. Seeing and even hearing the people voice out their concern for their sectors or country and their hopes of making the Philippines a better place for all. They even asked me "saan kami pwedeng pumasok sa inyong proyekto upang makatulong?" I mean WOW! They are willing to help us!!!

The other night at school I had such a bad time with my classmates. Majority of which works for the government. They were bashing the very institution they belong to. I mean can't they seem to understand that if they critize the government they are also critizing themselves? What have they to contribute by adding to the frustrations of the people? And somehow hearing from my professor that he also thinks progress can only take place about 30 years from now was too much for me to take it sitting down. DUH! He is a professor of a Public Administration school teaching Economic Development and yet sharing his perception of hopelessness. Too harsh? damn right it is! I know the government is not at its best for a long time nor are the people but what have they done to contribute in resolving these problems? You see things are changing and a lot of these are positive changes. Let's not generalize things I mean it would be unfair for a lot of people not only in thse in the government who are striving hard to bring change and create growth and development for the Filipino people. If we really want good governance and a better country lets change how we perceive things. Let's be more optimistic and start taking actions instead of complaining and doing nothing. You know if you are not contributing anything but your blabber better shut up or get the hell out of our country! There are a lot of best practices and replications of these practices; maybe not that much at the national level but more in the local level. The impact of these changes may not be seen in the growth rate of the country nor is it visible in the GNP or GDP, but it is felt by the people within that area. And to make lives a bit easier for these poor and vulnerable people makes it worth all the effort and hardwork. Development is not just about the economy but it should be more of human development. We may not have the answer to everything, nor am I providing some sort of a panacea for the country's problem but atleast we are doing something, minimal as it may seem but if we sum up all fo these small things it'll become big, the impact will be greater. I have swallowed the bitter pill of feeling frustrated and hopeless but I am now holding a torch to light my way and with great Hope that people will see this and help in the lighting of the way towards a better Philippines. I love my country and anything bad against it particularly on issues I am advocating for is a personal thing. So don't laugh at me for being nationalistic and pasisonate about hoping for a better country because I know I will see this in my lifetime. Yup wish me luck but more than that work with me in achieving this. Mabuhay tayong lahat!

testing the waters....

"Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." -

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." -Blaise Pascal Pensées

Modesty aside, I have always been good at giving advices especially when it comes to relationships and love. I always seem to have the answer for questions and dilemmas people are going through. There would even be times when people I do not know start sharing their problems about life to me. Do I look like an ear to you? But seriously, it amazes me how I can listen and give advices.

So now I can not understand why I can't seem to take into practice what I usually advice people to do when it comes to matters of the heart. Yes, despite my being insenstive and cynical about it I do have feelings also. Being the rational person that I am, I thought to myself, no problem can ever be resolved with the heart alone, use your brains to decide on things. And so I usually do. When it comes to relationships, I bluntly tell people what I feel... or think in this case. I know I may have hurt them but its the truth, deal with it. Tough? too harsh? maybe but that's me, I did it out of love (promise).

Ah yes love.... People think I'm an expert on this. They are so wrong. There have been a lot of opportunities that I could have had committed myself to someone. But sad to say I may be tough but when it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete coward. If I was brave enough to deal with my own feelings I would have been married by now with three kids. But no, hell no.... here I am always contemplating if I am ready or not... if he is the right person to settle with... will my children look like shrek if I marry him... those sort of things... What a dope right? I mean we have not even moved a step forward I am already thinking about the decades to come. I was always the one to say (on certain occassions and situations only) "You will never know until you try... you might regret it, like ask yourself "What if" 5 years from now... if you don't."

Right now I am in that situation where I can not decide. Is it because he does not meet the type of man I always pictured myself to end up with? I can see a lot of traits I do not like and same with the things I like about him, but to ask me to weigh it which is which, I can not. Do I like him? Sheesh I don't know; sometimes I do and sometimes I do not. Does he make you laugh? Whoa! that is a big issue for me, because he rarely does make me laugh because we always talk about serious matters. BUt it does let me discuss things I take seriously like government service, etc. Am I comfortable being with him, maybe, at times yes. Sigh... Questions again...

So now I realized I am too old to be immature about this. I need to face my fear. Yes pips I am freaking scared to face my feelings, afraid to make a commitment, and more or less afraid to get hurt. I never like being not in control of things... But hey I have got to do this, its now or never.

You know who inspired me? Its people I talked with. I remembered how much they loved and got hurt in the end. And yet they are still alive and continue to move on and try once again to love. Salute! I mean the kind of courage is inspiring. A poem I read once in highschool talked about scarred people being the most beautiful, because despite their hurts and pains they still love. I need to be like that or else I will never really know how to live!. You see if we never fully put into pratice these things we will never fully understand it, and when it remains only in theory then it is useless. Practice what you preach. To love is to live!!! Well of course love for the country, for the family and friends are totally different even for that someone special. But we need to experience it all. However, do remember (this is an advice I promise to keep) when you love, when you do something don't wait for something in return, don't hold back feelings and most of all love with passion (not the lust kind of love) but the kind of love that has trust, honesty, hope, respect, and faith.

And so with God on my side and peope I love backing me up, I know I can do this, face it head on and LOVE to fully LIVE!!!

Mania about the cholera book

Saturday night lying in bed texting, while reading "dorian gray" and still while texting some pips. Got this text quoting a phrase from the book "Love in the time of Cholera." Sometime ago a close frined of mine was also talking about this book being the best love story ever. You see i have not read this book yet but the mania over Marquez's greatest novel seems to hunt me. Being promised a copy of the novel as a going away present I did not venture to buy a copy for myself. Now two people are telling me that they'll lend me a copy of the book. Hmmm that I have to see... Anyway the book is about Florentino Arize's undying and unrequited love for Fermina Daza. A guy who after being promised love for so long was suddenly left for another guy (what a bummer) yet he lived a life still loving the very woman he promised his undying love for. (awww men!) After many years of not seeing each other, when Fermina's husband died, and while Fermina was grieving over her death husband, Florentino came back and said to her "I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century, to repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and ever-lasting love." That has got to be the most romantic yet foolish line I have ever heard. (And you thought I read the book? not! thanks to the Internet I got the gist.) And here I was thinking that no way can a person continue loving someone who do not love them in return that long. I mean get a life, you deserve to be happy! And yet going back to Ally McBeal's lines I remembered when she said something like "some people are lucky to have one person as their love of their life, some love does not die or go away." something like that... And then we have "The Notebook" by Nicolas Sparks, where the guy's life revolved around the girl, even runing his life because he got freaking hurt. How real is this? Haller? For someone who have been scarred by life and yet too damn afraid to make a commitment, can love be truly this profound? despite it being unrequited? despite being fooled? Is it not plain stupidity to continue loving someone who do not love you in return? Unreciprocated love happens a lot of times in one's lifetime, savor it but hell pal move on. There must be some sort of an end to it. Don't tell me that love is blind because it is not. Love is too pure to be blind and explained as shallow as that. Love can not be blind, the person just refuses to see the reality behind the facade of happiness, sparks and flowers-galore they are feeling; oh and it also includes the pain one feels (some are just too masochist.) Although love is conditional you know; hypocrites are people who said their love is unconditional because pal the mere fact that you have expectations about it, it becomes conditional. (Think about it.) I am not saying that undying love can not exist because as cynical as I am, I still believe in undying love. I am just saying that it should not make a person suffer. Everyone deserves the kind of love that will make them grow, the kind of love that knows no bounderies, the kind of love... I don't know just the kind of love that is pure... Maybe like the "Little Prince" type of love for his Rose.

Yikes! What's going on here? Are they telling me something more than just the book? And why am I suddenly so sentimental? Remember I can not relate! Hmmm... Well its nice to think about these things once in awhile while listening to some oldie songs... kampai!

Angst

Ako ay isang "angst" na tinubuan ng tao

Nagpapanggap na mamuhay ng matiwasay
Nagpupumilit makibagay sa mundong ito
Umaasang humupa ang sama ng loob
Makamit ang katahimikang hinahanap

Nangangarap maging tunay na tao
na may pusong handang umibig ng tunay
makaramdam ng higit pa sa galit
makaranas ng ligaya sa piling ng iba
Na may kaluluwang naniniwala sa kabutihan
maintindihan ang likas na kaugalian ng tao
maintindihan ang takbo ng buhay na ito

Ang katagalahan ng buhay o ng mundo
sadyang napaka masalimuot
sadyang mapang-api kung minsan

Paano wawakasan isang hinagpis na pagbabahagi
isang awiting walang tunog o salita
isang pangarap na hindi makakamit

Malalim na pagtatanong mga binitawang ito
Mga salitang pilit iniluwal para marinig ng iba
Pilitin mong unawain dahil isa kang tao
Hindi ako katulad mo na malaya

Ako ay isang "angst" na tinubuan ng tao lamang...

Bagong Blog

Tawagin mo nang katangahan ngunit pangalawang blog na ito dahil sa nakalimutan ko na ang password ko nung sa una. Astig pa naman ang ipinangalan ko duon "paglikas" sa makatuwid eh sadyang lumikas na nga sya... (ang korni nun ha!) Siguro nga tumatanda na ako... Mga ilang araw na rin ako nakakaranas ng ganuong pakiramda eh... Yun bang pakiramdam mo eh tumatanda ka na, madalas ka nang napag-iisip, nag mumuni-muni at nag nanais na muling maibalik kahit sandali ang ilang mga magagandang alala ng iyong nakaraan... Dahil ba ito sa edad o tumitindi lamang ang aking hangaring lumikas sa aking pinaroroonan? Isa ba itong pag subok sa aking pagkatao? Mahirap naman na puro tanong na lamang... Pero kung minsan hanggang tanong na lamang talaga ang puwedeng gawin sapagkat may mga bagay na hindi mabibigyan ng linaw. Bow... Hanggang sa muli! Sana hindi ko na makalimutan ang password ko. Kampai! (oo alam kong salitang hapon ito ngunit "trademark" ko na ang salitang iyan, kahit na tumigil na ako sa pag inom. isang taon na rin halos... astig ba?)