Killing my country...

"When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation."
-Calvin

I really thought that if I do my part in saving my country others will follow. Damn idealism. Everyday I try to avoid reading the newspaper so as not to dampen my spirit. Just when I thought it will be safe to read the newspaper something like this shocks the hell out of me. Damn driver! May you rot in hell. I mean he did not just put the lives of hundreds in danger he also destroyed our environment. "lunurin kaya kita sa toxic waste mo, isama na rin natin amo mo!" Violent as it may sound, I do not care anymore. These irresponsible low life sh*t (no make that lower than sh*t) people are killing my countrywomen/men and my country. "The hell with you!" I say. Are people even aware how much we are losing the battle over preserving whatever is left of our natural resources? Haller! mababa na nga ang tubig sa Angat Dam ngayon because of illegal logging (and yet you still buy goods made of wood!!!). Look at Guimaras, it will not be the same anymore unless petron can suck all the oil there. We have Ormoc, Infanta and other tragic examples of people's doing leading to destruction. Don't blame God or mother nature blame yourselves! You see we all have ourselves to blame. This is not just about DENR not doing so much, we are not really helping them. (Plant a tree! responsible garbage disposal! stop smoke belchers!) But I do hope and pray that instead of public officials spending their RATA, pork barrels and other "pera ng bayan" for personal purposes and even "ka-plastikan" na tulong, try to support in your own "little way" in saving the environment. Alam nyo your money can only do so much but it will not buy back the beauty and significance of nature... At para sa mga deadma dyan, makialam ka naman at bansa mo rin ito. As individuals we can do so much, if all of us pratice the same things in preserving our environment. (Attention mga smokers, kahit mababa ang GHG ng paninigarilyo 'wag nyo na palalain ang sitwasyon!) At the end of the day we will pay back to mother earth what we destroyed or ignored for that matter. Sana lang kapag kailangan mo na ang tulong ni mother earth at ni inang bayan eh 'wag kang deadmahin tulad ng ginagawa mo.

According to PAGASA there is a typhoon coming this week... I can only cross my fingers praying that it will not do harm to my country because it is already weak as it is. Dear Typhoon, dun ka na lang sa may Angat Dam we need water...

Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." -

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

-Blaise Pascal Pensées

Pagmumuni-muni

Napansin ko lang na naging makasarili ang mga isinulat ko dito sa aking munting Blog. Wala na tungkol sa aking Inang Bayan... Siguro ito ay isang pangitain na minsan kailangan din natin ng pahinga sa mundo ng magulong politika... Nakakapagod na... Wala naman problema sa institusyon ng gobyerno, ang tanging nag papagulo lamang dito ay ang mga tao na bumubuo nito. Mga makasarili, mga mapagpanggap, at mga nagmamalinis... Halos lahat ganun, mapa-palasyo, mapa-senate or congresso at sa kahit anong ahensiya pa ng gobyerno maraming kawani ang nanduon lamang upang kumita ng pera, pagkakitaan ang iba at magkunwaring may nagagawa. Nag punta ako sa Senado nuong isang araw upang makinig sa kanilang pagpupulong... Isang malaking pagkakamali dahil lalo lamang akong nalungkot sa nakita at narinig ko. Maraming daldal na walang katuturan, mga Senador na nagpapanggap lamang, nung nawala na ang mga taga-media, lumitaw ang tunay na pagkatao nila. Kahit anong gara ng suot mo o titolo na idikit sa pangalan mo, wala kang kwenta kung wala ka namang nagagawa. Hindi lang yan sa senado, para sa lahat yan. Dito rin sa lugar na pinangtratrabahuhan ko... nakakalungkot, umaasa pa naman ako maraming maaaring gawin itong ahensyang ito ngunit mga tao dito trapo din naman. Nais kong makita ng resulta ng daldal nila...

Ngunit ang pagsuko ay isang bagay na sa ngayon ay hindi ko pa nais gawin. Umaasa pa ako na sa gitna ng kaguluhang ito merong liwanag na magbibigay gabay sa atin lahat. Sana lamang makita ko ito bago ako lumisan...

80% weird + 35% normal = Me

You Are 35% Normal

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

Dear: Blogthings, You don't know me... but what the heck sige I'm weird na nga. hehehehe. I never liked things or do things that people normally like or do. Sus I don't even think nor talk the way "normal" people do. So is being typecast as weird makes me special? or unique? Grabe! give me a POSITIVE adjective naman. he5x. But I am me. And its either you take me as I am or don't take me at all. bwahahahah getting weirder. This usually happens when I' m so bored.... zzzzzz

Dear Gloria...

How naive can you be? You only realized that the air in Metro Manila was already polluted because you took time off to play golf in Antipolo? How fortunate for you and unlucky for the millions of Filipinos expose to your so-called polluted air everyday. How would you like to see the beggars roaming around the streets or the amount of garbage being collected everyday even those left to rot or the bare lands being quarried... by playing golf also, well you can't see that from Antipolo not even in the white house in Baguio??? Now tell me, how would you see all these things and more if you are too stuck up and insensitive to issues that needs to be resolved when you're too bent up in changing the constitution and ensuring a "good" name for yourself? Wake up and try smelling the air beyond the four walls of the palace that the people's money are used for to sustain its grandeur. Instead of thinking about your career and giving favors to your political friends try listening to your people and respond to what they really need.

I am really praying for you. Hoping that its not just in playing golf that you will be awakened by the real situation of our country but in "really" doing your JOB as a president of this country. It will be such a waste for you to be remembered as the president who uses her hands to just play golf and her mouth to give empty promises. You only have a few more years to prove your worth. If you don't BEAT THE ODDS it will beat you or maybe the fed up Filipinos will beat the crap out of you and your no-good friends.

Looking forward to your real awakening.

PS. Golf is such a boring game. Next time try sailing along Manila Bay maybe you'll have a different realization.

...

some things are better left unsaid...

www.blogthings.com

You Should Drive a Lamborghini

A true daredevil, you're always in search of a new rush. Clearly, you're a total speed demon... just don't get caught!

What Sports Car Should You Drive?

I'm no Lamborgini... More like a Ferrari. he5x And I prefer Red over Yellow. (di ba tess?) I REALLY wish I have a driver's license na... desperately wish I can drive already... Promise this YEAR! (Dear LTO....)

Your Rising Sign is Sagittarius

Happy and upbeat, you are always optimistic. Even when you're in a bad mood, people find you friendly. On the flip side, you're very restless and bored easily. You've been known to pick fights just for the fun of it. You've got a great sense of humor and a quirky outlook on life. Aggressive, wild, and unconventional, no one knows what you're going to do next.

What's Your Rising Sign?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think. Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Is it just me or are these testssss freaky? there are so many correct answers ha. Parang nababasa niya kung ano ka talaga... Ganun ba talaga yun??? (thanks mace for the this site, by the way I'm a Phoenix) he5x Getting addicted to this site na... I was told I'm 80% weird, a true cult leader. And a New Born Soul at that. I was a Rabbit in my past life (duh!?). I'm an Indie Rocker! (Yes 'man) My Monster name is "Demon Claw" that likes to torment priests. Uhmm okay so compliment yun? thanks! Sensya na po medyo may hang over pa from the gig last night. In fairness ang so called U2 night eh ibig sabihin ilang piling awiting lang ng U2 ang kakantahin yung iba eh mga kantang pang-basag tenga. ("o jessica... something something...")

Para kay Anna, Jenny at Frances... at para sa mga wala dun si tess, si ling at ang 6 6cycle mind at sa U2 ("Walk on" "In a little while") Kampai mga pips! (PS. Don't drink San Mig Pale Pilsen and Sna Mig Light afterwards... whoa...)

weekend contemplation

Weekends should be longer, not just two days, but make it three please, (Dear Calendar,)... People should have enough time to spend with their family, friends or even just for themselves... to think, to remember or to even to just pray.

Marathon reading... Can't put down the book by Barbara Michaels so I had to read it until 3am yesterday. Her novels are great, its informative and keeps you hanging on the edge of your seat, well for me its my bed. I need to find more of her books to complete my collection. Speaking of collection, got so many postcards now. (Dear friends who are traveling, please send me postcards with stamps on it...)

The gospel yesterday was one fo the best, I think. (Mark 10:2-16) "What God has joined together, let no human being separate." (Pay attention now married people!!!) The priest's homily was also inspiring. How I wish people will put into practice these things. Please do not get married if you're not ready, without any savings, full of insecurity or unsure of your feelings. The virtues that every married people should put into practice: Love, loyalty, honesty, trust, faith, hope and sheer determination and perseverance to make things work out and to provide the needs of the family. (Haller mga unemployed indolent married people!) Sad that we do not see these vitues anymore. There are so many unhappy marriages, my heart just goes out to the children that have to suffer because of these couples. Has the meaning of love changed so much that it is more of the "I" than the "we" and "they"?

Allow me to be mushy (again). My grandparents (mother's side) is the true epitome of love. I remembered the love poems they made for each other, their sweet caring touches, funny banterings and teasings, how they look out for one another, their love songs, the romantic way they smile and talk to each other as if nobody exist but them. I became overly romantic because of them. My passion for life and in eveything I do, say or think, were all inspired by them. I really believed that love can conquer everything. But when life slaps you with reality, things changed. I became cynical because of other people and some circumstances. I am sure they will be sad with me that I have changed so much since they passed away. But last night during the mass, I suddenly missed them terribly (sniff), I realized that I need to get back on track again. If I allow myself to be affected by non-believers of true love then I will be like any ordinary person whose life has not been well lived because of not being able to share the love they have, or even allow themselves to be loved. What a sad and lonely life that would be...

Someday I wish all married couples will be like my grandparents, full of love, hope, faith and trust. The songs "love will keep us alive" comes to mind. I know in the future this will come true, maybe not in my own life, but hopefully in others. That is my prayer. Spread hope pips, start loving!

6 cycle mind groupie

Need I say more? ;-)

comfort books

When you're feeling down and it seems the world has gone weird on you and it's like you are drowning in your own world and you only want to be left alone and wallow in your solitude.... that is the time you look for something that will inspire you or comfort you. and I found it in two people I have not met but completely inspired me... Ha Jin (author of The Crazed) and Bill Waterson (Cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes)

"The Crazed" was a book that literally talked to my soul. There were phrases there that provided answers or clarifications to my own quandaries. Weird as it may sound but the novel was like about myself, my story at present. Just like what happened to Jian, when he was forced to take care of his professor who was hospitalized because of a stroke, he was so sure of himself, he knew what he wanted and he was determined to achieve his dreams. But after listening to his professor's ramblings, he lost himself in the process and started to wonder if what he thought was the "right" thing for him (e.g being a scholar) was what he really wanted or if this will make him happy and fulfilled. In the end he was forced to take a path less taken but he was more wiser and more sure that the road ahead will bring him the satisfaction he is looking for. It seems that there is a "Jian" and a little of the "professor" in all of us that questions the very existence of our being and how best we can make do with what we have. Call it "crazy" but we all go through the same thing once or more than in our lifetime. It is quite scary when a certain situation or event in your life can completely change everything. But just by reading the book I felt older but somewhat wiser... but right now I'm still fighting with my own demons...

Prior to "Milenyo" I spent a whole day reading Calvin and Hobbes. Who would have thought that a cartoon can bring so much joy and inspiration to someone who has become cynical and skeptic about the world. I remembered my favorite book "The Little Prince", we really need to keep in touch with the child within us. Anyway the exchanges between Calvin and Hobbes were really fascinating because the topics were so profound. You also have to love the snowman arts that Calvin makes and how he talks to the monsters under his bed. But you know it is so nice that despite his "quirks" and naughtiness, Calvin is a well-loved child. He is actually a down to earth kid, creative and very intelligent. Suddenly I miss my childhood and the innocence of being a child.... Anyway here are some lines from the comic book that will make you think and smile as well... Enjoy!!!

"There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!"
-Calvin
"So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?"
-Calvin
"I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low."
-Calvin
"When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation."
-Calvin
"The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!"
-Calvin
"The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity the tell the difference."
-Calvin
"Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul!"
-Calvin
"I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"
-Calvin
"You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it."
-Calvin
"History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices."
-Calvin
"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
-Calvin
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
-Calvin
"Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success... ...Flat stretches of boring routine... ...And valleys of frustration and failure."
-Calvin
"Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension."
-Calvin
"What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking... And suddenly you wake up."
-Calvin
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
-Calvin
"There's more o this world than just people, you know."
-Hobbes
"Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!"
-Calvin
"I muts obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul."
-Calvin
"I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know."
-Calvin
"To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible."
-Calvin
"If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!"
-Hobbes
"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."
-Calvin
"If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."
-Calvin
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
-Calvin
"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."
-Calvin
"Do you hate being a girl? What's it like? Is it like being a bug?
I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comrehend the magnitude of it."
-Calvin
"Childhood is short, maturity is forever."
-Calvin
"I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway."
-Calvin
"True friends are hard to come by...I need more money."
-Calvin
"Do you hate being a girl? What's it like? Is it like being a bug?
I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comrehend the magnitude of it."
-Calvin
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
-Calvin
"Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?"
-Calvin

Dear Inang Bayan,

"As a human being, I should spend my life in such a way that at the final hour I could feel fulfillment and contentment, as if I had completed a task or a journey." The Crazed, Ha Jin

After two weeks of solitude, locked inside my room, listening to the rain bashing my windows I thought I will find answers but what I found were more questions. At the end I was hit hard by reality, a truth I do not think I can handle right now. I am afraid that the reality and truth that were once my guiding light to the path of higher meaning were all false. I was made to believe that indeed we have the ability to decide our destiny and that we are captains of our own ships. I even thought that I can make a difference in a world so corrupt by malicious people. How wrong I was... People were already telling me how my idealism and the great expectations I have set for my country, for my fellowmen and for myself were all wishful thinking, that in real life it can not be as perfect as I hope it could be. I didn't want to believe them, I thought that if I start accepting this as the "truth"; that if I let go of my so called "wishful thinkings" then I will be like any ordinary Filipino; working for the sake of earning, no less than the financial gain that they will receive and the prestige of attaining more wealth and even power.

I didn't know that being passionate about serving my country and advocating for several issues that concern my fellowmen would put me in a difficult situation and even be laughed at because I fought for my beliefs. I molded my dreams and career path to my "wishful thinkings" and made this the source of my inspiration. I made the people that talk less but worked twice as hard in making this country a better place my source of strength but lately I found out that they were as false and as hypocrite as the people I loathe. How disgusting these realizations are especially coming from peole who are preaching and teaching "good governance." I detest these hypocrites who makes the cancer of this country worst than it is before. The worst kinds of people are those that pretend they are so righteous and incorruptible but in their hearts they're mere frauds, doing the right deed for the wrong reason.

There is a thin line between what is "real" from what we are made to think is "real."

I only wanted to serve my country the best way I can... I I just want a life well spent, that before I die I could have made a difference... But like I said, right now I can not handle the truth... I found peace at feeling empty... for now I'd rather feel this way than have my soul suffer more.

I hope Inang bayan that you can understand what I am trying hard to say but you see words are lost in this endeavour...

Rambling...

i accomplished nothing
promises not fulfilled
questions left unanswered
to-do list remains undone

my abode engulfed me in its solitude
the wind whispering calming words
in the four corners I remain safe
away from the vexations to my soul

the torrents of rain day by day
spoke of thy soul's deepest feelings
the world watched as dry tears fell
not a sound was heard not even a heartbeat

but life has to go on with no end in sight
a vestige of longing for a solitary life
this sojourn now remains to be a dream
where waking only gives nightmares

dreading the last minutes of non-existence
the soul basked in unuttered saddness
for in nothingness it felt at peace
and in that peace there was emptiness

Having different zones and modes...

Next two weeks will be my unpaid much awaited vacation. So right now I'm in different zones and modes, kinda psycho or something. Anyway despite the numerous things I have to do within that 2 short weeks I am actually looking forward to it. Major outputs: two term papers on topics I am not fond of and obtain a driver's license (a must!!!). If time permits follow up on my philhealth and SSS. Whew.

Rewind to Tuesday night... I attended a concert at UP, "EVEolution Celebrating Women" for the benefit of HIV/AIDS and Survivors of Violence Against Women. Not many came, what a bummer. The bands that played were all good but I seriously doubt if they actually knew what the concert was about. pfft... I didn't know that Eppy Quizon has a band and that his brother ronnie sings like an epileptic psycho. There were also several women bands din. Astig! I forgot the name of this group they were really inspiring, progresibong awitin ba... hmmm will find out soon. Akafellas, Pido, Paolo Santos, Brigada, DJ Mike, and Session Road were all good. Marcus the ex-ehead rendered a bastardized "My Way" but it was cool never thought it can be turned into a rock song (walang ganyan sa states). Anyway the short docus that they showed were quite informative. Did you know AIDS was discovered in 1981 in some remote area in S.Africa? That in 1984 the Philippines recorded its 1st AIDS victim? That there are now thousands of Filipinos with HIV/AIDS and majority of which are women? That almost 15 females/women are rape almost everyday? That the condom is 98% effective if use from start to finish? That there are a lot of unreported rape cases and abuses on women? That condom sense is common sense? That abstinence is a better way to avoid getting diseases?

I wish people will be more aware of these information and much more. We tend to set these things aside and blindly pursue the call of our needs. WARNING: You only have one life to live, so live it well and be responsible enough... not just to yourself but to other people as well. RESPECT is something that needs to be internalized by Filipinos especially the youth.

Forward to today... Slept to much yesterday... Lugaw-mode right now... LSS: That's All (you Rod stewart you!) Looking forward to lunch, Kopi Roti bun... Hmmm... Friday and Saturday will be on party-mode by then... Planned a visit to Manaoag on the 30th; food for the soul... classes, pfft... gym... pfffft!!!... 3 novels waiting to be read... poems swirling in my head... dreams yet to be dreamed, of far away lands waiting to be explored... the radio will be playing for 2 weeks... my bed awaits... life, can't get any sweeter than this or maybe it can...

See you all in two weeks.... zzzzzzzzz

kanong mangaawait on my mind...

so almost the whole day two songs have been playing on my computer... quite addicting... daydreaming-mode tuloy ako...

"That's All..." (yikes from what movie was this?) anyway thanks to balbie who sent this to me. I really wanted "Someone to watch over me" being a not-so-constant-prayer of mine to God. Howeverm this song (that's all) made me swear that this will be one of the song that will be playing during my wedding (if ever that happens). You know guys pay attention to what I will be saying, use this song when you ask the love of your life to marry you. But then again of course give the proper ring too. he5x Or give her a proper wedding na rin. Don't make her pay, traditional as it may seem, pay for the wedding! And don't get drunk during the wedding ha.

"I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own For you and you alone
That's all, That's all"

The other song was introduced by Mace the birthday girl. (heheh balbie and mace! J) By the Dashboard. Hands Down. Cool song din. And the vocalist face ha! to die for. well not really that much. Sabi ko nga wala sa face iyon. Oh by the way listen also to the songs of OUTERHOPE, cool songs talaga. They have an album which you can buy at Tower Records. Try also attending the gigs of SIDESHOW and FORMULA JUAN. Prends ko mga ito, great bands talaga. They also write their own songs. Pinoy silang lahat and really good.

Mabuhay pinoy rockers!!!

On looking forward to something...

Last saturday a dear friend of mine went to the states for good. I never thought she would really because we both have the same idealism for our country but somehow I am happy she did because there is so much to see beyond the waters of the Philippines and leaving the country does not mean we stop being Filipinos right? She told me she will make her country proud and I bet she would. Anyway I am going to miss her a lot. There are only a few people who can really understand me so its quite difficult to let go of them. Some got married, others joined their families abroad and some... well they just fade away. Well, this kababayan will be back hopefully after 6 months to visit us, so that is something to look forward to next year. (But if circumstances will not allow it, I'll still be here Droppy, and maybe I'll see you there. ~wink. Mabuhay ka!!)

Just got back from our nature trip... Ah yes, Baguio... the place to be... Found out that starbucks in Baguio is better than in Manila hmmm or maybe its the ambiance. But Benguet and Kalinga Coffee are better (Try Garcia's located at Maharlika Market). Of course we also had some food trips. Camp John Hay on my mind, nice pine trees, flowers galore, cool sunset... You know what's funny about us Filipinos? Well In Baguio I saw so many beautiful weavings (Narda's and Mine's view), knitted sweaters and shirts, silver jewelry, exotic flowers, fresh veggies from Cordillera, so on and so forth... But nobody seems to really appreciate it. These are Filipino made pare, try buying it instead of those cheap imported goods. By the way there are also numerous native jams you can buy made by your fellow Pinoys (ube jam on my mind! Mabuhay ang Good shepherd and when you buy from them you help send Cordillera children to school). So what makes us different from koreans, Japanese and Chinese? Well even if they are in foreign countries or in their own country they buy their own goods. So next time Juan and Juana buy Filipino goods, it makes sense! That reminds me I need to go back to Baguio to buy that Buloy (I have a smaller version, his name is Butanting) and that cool Rain Maker and that and that and that... Already looking forward to my next Baguio trip...

kopi roti, books, m&m's (yellow), 6 cycle mind, crazy for u, so on and so forth

Suppose to be this blog is for my hopes and dreams and even angst for my mother land, the Philippines. However, it seems it has become an outlet for sharing my feelings, something which I rarely do. Ammie, a dear friend of mine told me that she always read my blog... (awww) She said she is proud of me for being able to share my thoughts, not like before when I keep everything bottled up inside. So See I popped out na! bwahahaha....

Anyway since last week I have been drinking Kopi Roti and eating Kopi buns. Talk about being kopi-addicts. Gave me sleepless nights... uhmm or something or someone (argh) did this to me. My insomia is back. Ooohh, Fixated also with buying books not just for me but for other pips. (yikes whats with books anyway... sigh I miss reading novels while lying in bed all day long...)

Oh and after daydreaming of M&M's peanuts dancing in a field of chocolate kisses I was able to buy some and EAT it to my heart's content.
hmmm... yup that's what life is about, little pleasures to give us strength and a bit of heaven on earth. We all need that once in awhile when the world seems to be hitting hard at us. (Thank you for M&Ms, that melts in your mouth! Mahal ko na talaga itong M&M's)


Yahu! I was able to buy the first album of 6 Cycle Mind! Astig ang songs na "fall out" and "biglaan". Of all places I was able to buy it at Mall of Asia (thanks you mall you!) But nothing beats "Crazy for You" by Madonna. Call me quezo but that song just makes you wanna be with somebody (by depeche mode!) but the thing is after the song, you are left there alone, drooling and all. Awww so sad right? Sheesh get a life! Teka I forgot "Lover's moon" by Glenn Frey but I'll talk about that some other time. Mahal ko na rin ang Moon, lalo na last night full moon... sigh.

Filed for a two-week unpaid vacation... on my mind right now, papers, books, ... but for now baguio is on my priority list. Looking forward to the cool smoggy breeze of baguio city tomorrow. Nice place, good food, great shopping with cool pips. Yikes now I wish my mama and family are with me too.... hay another time maybe watson?

Mabuhay ang text msgs!

Have you ever had the experience of being in a situation be it good or bad and you're in need of an answer of some sort, then suddenly your cellphone made a sound, "by golly gee, its a text!" And then you read through the text message sent to you. You realized how can this text answer the thing I am thinking or worrying about??? Coincidence? Twilight zone? A stalker? Believe it or not.... So whenever you have the urge to text somebody even if its just a forwarded message, do it! Don't hesistate, you may not know that you are actually saving the life of the person or be the source of inspiration. (Don't think about the piso think about the life you can save man!)

Kampai!

success and loving it

Yesterday was a big day for us. Our project "Tracking Governance Reforms" under NEDA, conducted a Consultation with major stakeholders. After much preparation and a lot of stress we were able to accomplish tasks set with flying colors (nice work pips!!!) It was like such a great feeling to be able to hear people appreciate something which you so hope to be taken into by heart by the people. Mushy as it may sound but I almost wept because I was happy. And being the Angst person that I am, it was such a heady feeling for me. Seeing and even hearing the people voice out their concern for their sectors or country and their hopes of making the Philippines a better place for all. They even asked me "saan kami pwedeng pumasok sa inyong proyekto upang makatulong?" I mean WOW! They are willing to help us!!!

The other night at school I had such a bad time with my classmates. Majority of which works for the government. They were bashing the very institution they belong to. I mean can't they seem to understand that if they critize the government they are also critizing themselves? What have they to contribute by adding to the frustrations of the people? And somehow hearing from my professor that he also thinks progress can only take place about 30 years from now was too much for me to take it sitting down. DUH! He is a professor of a Public Administration school teaching Economic Development and yet sharing his perception of hopelessness. Too harsh? damn right it is! I know the government is not at its best for a long time nor are the people but what have they done to contribute in resolving these problems? You see things are changing and a lot of these are positive changes. Let's not generalize things I mean it would be unfair for a lot of people not only in thse in the government who are striving hard to bring change and create growth and development for the Filipino people. If we really want good governance and a better country lets change how we perceive things. Let's be more optimistic and start taking actions instead of complaining and doing nothing. You know if you are not contributing anything but your blabber better shut up or get the hell out of our country! There are a lot of best practices and replications of these practices; maybe not that much at the national level but more in the local level. The impact of these changes may not be seen in the growth rate of the country nor is it visible in the GNP or GDP, but it is felt by the people within that area. And to make lives a bit easier for these poor and vulnerable people makes it worth all the effort and hardwork. Development is not just about the economy but it should be more of human development. We may not have the answer to everything, nor am I providing some sort of a panacea for the country's problem but atleast we are doing something, minimal as it may seem but if we sum up all fo these small things it'll become big, the impact will be greater. I have swallowed the bitter pill of feeling frustrated and hopeless but I am now holding a torch to light my way and with great Hope that people will see this and help in the lighting of the way towards a better Philippines. I love my country and anything bad against it particularly on issues I am advocating for is a personal thing. So don't laugh at me for being nationalistic and pasisonate about hoping for a better country because I know I will see this in my lifetime. Yup wish me luck but more than that work with me in achieving this. Mabuhay tayong lahat!

testing the waters....

"Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." -

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." -Blaise Pascal Pensées

Modesty aside, I have always been good at giving advices especially when it comes to relationships and love. I always seem to have the answer for questions and dilemmas people are going through. There would even be times when people I do not know start sharing their problems about life to me. Do I look like an ear to you? But seriously, it amazes me how I can listen and give advices.

So now I can not understand why I can't seem to take into practice what I usually advice people to do when it comes to matters of the heart. Yes, despite my being insenstive and cynical about it I do have feelings also. Being the rational person that I am, I thought to myself, no problem can ever be resolved with the heart alone, use your brains to decide on things. And so I usually do. When it comes to relationships, I bluntly tell people what I feel... or think in this case. I know I may have hurt them but its the truth, deal with it. Tough? too harsh? maybe but that's me, I did it out of love (promise).

Ah yes love.... People think I'm an expert on this. They are so wrong. There have been a lot of opportunities that I could have had committed myself to someone. But sad to say I may be tough but when it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete coward. If I was brave enough to deal with my own feelings I would have been married by now with three kids. But no, hell no.... here I am always contemplating if I am ready or not... if he is the right person to settle with... will my children look like shrek if I marry him... those sort of things... What a dope right? I mean we have not even moved a step forward I am already thinking about the decades to come. I was always the one to say (on certain occassions and situations only) "You will never know until you try... you might regret it, like ask yourself "What if" 5 years from now... if you don't."

Right now I am in that situation where I can not decide. Is it because he does not meet the type of man I always pictured myself to end up with? I can see a lot of traits I do not like and same with the things I like about him, but to ask me to weigh it which is which, I can not. Do I like him? Sheesh I don't know; sometimes I do and sometimes I do not. Does he make you laugh? Whoa! that is a big issue for me, because he rarely does make me laugh because we always talk about serious matters. BUt it does let me discuss things I take seriously like government service, etc. Am I comfortable being with him, maybe, at times yes. Sigh... Questions again...

So now I realized I am too old to be immature about this. I need to face my fear. Yes pips I am freaking scared to face my feelings, afraid to make a commitment, and more or less afraid to get hurt. I never like being not in control of things... But hey I have got to do this, its now or never.

You know who inspired me? Its people I talked with. I remembered how much they loved and got hurt in the end. And yet they are still alive and continue to move on and try once again to love. Salute! I mean the kind of courage is inspiring. A poem I read once in highschool talked about scarred people being the most beautiful, because despite their hurts and pains they still love. I need to be like that or else I will never really know how to live!. You see if we never fully put into pratice these things we will never fully understand it, and when it remains only in theory then it is useless. Practice what you preach. To love is to live!!! Well of course love for the country, for the family and friends are totally different even for that someone special. But we need to experience it all. However, do remember (this is an advice I promise to keep) when you love, when you do something don't wait for something in return, don't hold back feelings and most of all love with passion (not the lust kind of love) but the kind of love that has trust, honesty, hope, respect, and faith.

And so with God on my side and peope I love backing me up, I know I can do this, face it head on and LOVE to fully LIVE!!!

Mania about the cholera book

Saturday night lying in bed texting, while reading "dorian gray" and still while texting some pips. Got this text quoting a phrase from the book "Love in the time of Cholera." Sometime ago a close frined of mine was also talking about this book being the best love story ever. You see i have not read this book yet but the mania over Marquez's greatest novel seems to hunt me. Being promised a copy of the novel as a going away present I did not venture to buy a copy for myself. Now two people are telling me that they'll lend me a copy of the book. Hmmm that I have to see... Anyway the book is about Florentino Arize's undying and unrequited love for Fermina Daza. A guy who after being promised love for so long was suddenly left for another guy (what a bummer) yet he lived a life still loving the very woman he promised his undying love for. (awww men!) After many years of not seeing each other, when Fermina's husband died, and while Fermina was grieving over her death husband, Florentino came back and said to her "I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century, to repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and ever-lasting love." That has got to be the most romantic yet foolish line I have ever heard. (And you thought I read the book? not! thanks to the Internet I got the gist.) And here I was thinking that no way can a person continue loving someone who do not love them in return that long. I mean get a life, you deserve to be happy! And yet going back to Ally McBeal's lines I remembered when she said something like "some people are lucky to have one person as their love of their life, some love does not die or go away." something like that... And then we have "The Notebook" by Nicolas Sparks, where the guy's life revolved around the girl, even runing his life because he got freaking hurt. How real is this? Haller? For someone who have been scarred by life and yet too damn afraid to make a commitment, can love be truly this profound? despite it being unrequited? despite being fooled? Is it not plain stupidity to continue loving someone who do not love you in return? Unreciprocated love happens a lot of times in one's lifetime, savor it but hell pal move on. There must be some sort of an end to it. Don't tell me that love is blind because it is not. Love is too pure to be blind and explained as shallow as that. Love can not be blind, the person just refuses to see the reality behind the facade of happiness, sparks and flowers-galore they are feeling; oh and it also includes the pain one feels (some are just too masochist.) Although love is conditional you know; hypocrites are people who said their love is unconditional because pal the mere fact that you have expectations about it, it becomes conditional. (Think about it.) I am not saying that undying love can not exist because as cynical as I am, I still believe in undying love. I am just saying that it should not make a person suffer. Everyone deserves the kind of love that will make them grow, the kind of love that knows no bounderies, the kind of love... I don't know just the kind of love that is pure... Maybe like the "Little Prince" type of love for his Rose.

Yikes! What's going on here? Are they telling me something more than just the book? And why am I suddenly so sentimental? Remember I can not relate! Hmmm... Well its nice to think about these things once in awhile while listening to some oldie songs... kampai!

Angst

Ako ay isang "angst" na tinubuan ng tao

Nagpapanggap na mamuhay ng matiwasay
Nagpupumilit makibagay sa mundong ito
Umaasang humupa ang sama ng loob
Makamit ang katahimikang hinahanap

Nangangarap maging tunay na tao
na may pusong handang umibig ng tunay
makaramdam ng higit pa sa galit
makaranas ng ligaya sa piling ng iba
Na may kaluluwang naniniwala sa kabutihan
maintindihan ang likas na kaugalian ng tao
maintindihan ang takbo ng buhay na ito

Ang katagalahan ng buhay o ng mundo
sadyang napaka masalimuot
sadyang mapang-api kung minsan

Paano wawakasan isang hinagpis na pagbabahagi
isang awiting walang tunog o salita
isang pangarap na hindi makakamit

Malalim na pagtatanong mga binitawang ito
Mga salitang pilit iniluwal para marinig ng iba
Pilitin mong unawain dahil isa kang tao
Hindi ako katulad mo na malaya

Ako ay isang "angst" na tinubuan ng tao lamang...

Bagong Blog

Tawagin mo nang katangahan ngunit pangalawang blog na ito dahil sa nakalimutan ko na ang password ko nung sa una. Astig pa naman ang ipinangalan ko duon "paglikas" sa makatuwid eh sadyang lumikas na nga sya... (ang korni nun ha!) Siguro nga tumatanda na ako... Mga ilang araw na rin ako nakakaranas ng ganuong pakiramda eh... Yun bang pakiramdam mo eh tumatanda ka na, madalas ka nang napag-iisip, nag mumuni-muni at nag nanais na muling maibalik kahit sandali ang ilang mga magagandang alala ng iyong nakaraan... Dahil ba ito sa edad o tumitindi lamang ang aking hangaring lumikas sa aking pinaroroonan? Isa ba itong pag subok sa aking pagkatao? Mahirap naman na puro tanong na lamang... Pero kung minsan hanggang tanong na lamang talaga ang puwedeng gawin sapagkat may mga bagay na hindi mabibigyan ng linaw. Bow... Hanggang sa muli! Sana hindi ko na makalimutan ang password ko. Kampai! (oo alam kong salitang hapon ito ngunit "trademark" ko na ang salitang iyan, kahit na tumigil na ako sa pag inom. isang taon na rin halos... astig ba?)